“What do you do when your AT and mental health recovery plans fail?”

By Aimee Sterk, Michigan Disability Rights Coalition

I have assistive technology (AT). I have a WRAP Plan (Wellness Recovery Action Plan). I have lists of things to try and people to call. I have the PTSD Coach app. I have the Lotus Bell app. I have At Ease. I have my WRAP plan in an app. I have friends and family that love me pre-programmed in my PTSD Coach app. I have co-workers who care.

And then there is depression—and for me lately PMDD like I’ve never had before—with every single diagnostic symptom. A history of medical sexual abuse that is triggered by medical interactions, two miscarriages, chemo, grief, infertility treatments, family challenges, fertility meds that affect my mood and cognition, PMDD, PTSD–they are all throwing their spears at me, and last week (and actually a little today) I was some kind of open-season, willing target. I was miserable, tired, hopeless, and feeling worthless—like I deserved every last bit of the awful I was feeling. I told my husband he should leave me, that I wasn’t worth his time and love. I told myself I didn’t deserve to be a mom. I looked for a job collecting carts at the grocery store because I didn’t feel worthy/up to the job I’ve loved for more than 11 years. Yoga didn’t help—started angry, ended angry. Crying didn’t help. I hated myself, my job, my marriage. I wanted to quit my job and my marriage. This month I wasn’t suicidal, but last month I was.

I read an article describing depression and thought—wow she gets every last bit of this and I feel every last bit.

Antidepressants weren’t helping (apparently the one I’m on doesn’t help with PMDD and I don’t want to add more while trying to get pregnant).

I wanted to throw my apps and iPhone in the fire along with my journal and lists of self-care options.

All the AT, all the well-meaning people and plans, all of it made me angry and sad. I let my therapist know I was in trouble but didn’t leave a door open for her to help—on purpose.

So then what do you do? What do you do with this kind of hopeless depression?

I knew this was PMDD. I knew I just needed to make it 24-48 hours—and hopefully not destroy myself and my relationships in the meantime. What do you do when it’s not PMDD and nothing seems to be working?

I considered partial hospitalization but dismissed it—having worked in mental health hospitals I didn’t think it would be all that therapeutic.

I went to yoga anyway. I took naps. My fishtank became AT a little—watching the fish was calming and I didn’t get angry doing/considering doing it). My dogs and cats stuck by me even as I got angry at everything and then sad and then refused to do other helpful things. I waited for it to pass. I took it out on my husband. I took it out on myself.

Thursday was bad. Friday was devastating. Saturday I mostly could hold it together. Yesterday it started to get better. Today is kind of ok.

Friday I was sure life was always going to be this way—except that I knew deep inside that I just needed to make it one more day.

Months ago in the depths of post-partum depression after losing our first child, I didn’t know deep inside that I needed to make it just one more day. The world was a deep, dark abyss. It didn’t get better the next day or the next, though then too I wasn’t suicidal so that was the last sliver of hope I had. Last month I was suicidal so that last sliver was gone.

Really then what do you do? When the meds aren’t helping, the plans for support make you want to barf, you want to scream and cry and push all the well-meaning people away? What do you do when you convince yourself that the abuse didn’t occur or was a misunderstanding or that you somehow deserved it? How do you hunker down and get through? Somehow I did but each time the waves come crashing, I wonder if it’s possible to make it to the other side.

Have you found things that work that you can make yourself do? Do you use any AT (apps, soothing sound machines, light therapy boxes)?